When is Mean, Not Mean?

Being referred to as a "mean" person is never something I aspired to; being referred to as a great manager is something I desire. I know that managing people often requires being straightforward with those who work for and with you. Communicating expectations to staff and then telling them when they do and do not meet your expectations is part of everyday for a manager. Yet, the excuse for not doing so is a refrain I hear over and over again, "but, I don't want to be mean."

It is interesting to me, that experienced, well-trained people associate telling the truth with being mean. I  know that sometimes the truth hurts; I also know that communicating the truth (with sensitivity to the recipient) is one of the most important skills a manager can develop.

Great managers are respected by the people that work with them and for them; they are not necessarily well-liked. Likeability does not equal respect. If you are a manager, it is not your job to be liked, it is your job to be respected. I contend you can do that by being M.E.A.N. without being mean.

So, when is mean not mean? When mean is:

A Note about the "E"-Word

The "E"-word is expectations. Managers seem to have unrealistic expectations about expectations. You see, we expect that what we say, write-or otherwise communicate-is what someone will do.  Therein lies the problem.

There is an old adage: "The spoken word belongs half to the one who speaks and half to the one who hears." This is true of any word: spoken, written or otherwise communicated. That means the meaning of the words we speak are not necessarily the meaning that is understood by the one who hears.

How many times has someone told you, "but you said XYZ;" and you know that what you said was, "ABC?" I can recall many times saying or thinking, "I didn't say that." The reality is "that" is exactly what the other person heard. For whatever reason, they did not hear the message I intended for them to hear.

There are many reasons for this--too many to delve into with this article--but the reasons aren't as important as the awareness of the existence of miscommunication. That is why communicating expectations takes much more than simply saying or writing your requests. It requires stating the expectation and then checking and rechecking with the intended recipient that they understood the intended message. It might go something like this:

Mark: "Gail, would you please make sure notes are taken at the staff meeting tomorrow?"

Gail: "Sure Mark, I'll take care of that for you."

Simple, right? Mark expects Gail to take notes at the staff meeting tomorrow. Not so simple, what Gail heard is, "get someone to take notes at the staff meeting tomorrow." So, since Gail hates taking notes and was planning on missing the staff meeting tomorrow, she asks Bob to take notes.

A simple checking statement would have clarified this for everyone. Mark could have said, "Gail, you know I mean for you to take notes at the staff meeting, right?"

In our hurry-up environments this extra step may seem like a waste of time, I assure you, it isn't. You will waste much more time and energy correcting the miscommunication than you will by insuring it doesn't happen in the first place. Did you hear me say, "take the time to confirm your expectations up front?"

Blink
by Malcolm Gladwell

The subtitle of Blink is The Power of Thinking without Thinking --so I just had to buy it.

Gladwell takes another view of the body of brain study that has recently gluttoned the bookstore shelves. If you are a believer in intuition and the role it plays in decision-making, this book is well worth the page turning.

Gladwell digs into what is dubbed "thin slicing." Thin slicing is the "ability of our subconscious to find patterns in situations and behavior based on very narrow slices of experience."

For those of us who value experience as much as statistical research, this is a validation of what we already know--much of our thought processes surrounding decision making is largely unknown.

He looks at marriage counseling, gambling, and even art authentication and offers example after example of this phenomenon, simply called Blink.

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October 12-13
Gail will be speaking at the Illinois Library Association's annual conference, Service in the Fast Lane, at the Peoria Civic Center. She will present three sessions:

1. If Change is so Good, Why Aren't We Having Fun?
2. Survivor, Library Island © (a.k.a . Dealing with Difficult People)
3. Customer Service Versus "The Rules © "

If you found something of interest in this newsletter, please forward it (in its entirety, please) to a friend or colleague.

The focus of CONNECT & GROW is to provide brief insights into the world of interpersonal business communication. It is edited by Gail Johnson, founder of Face to Face Communications and Training. For more information, a complementary consultation, or initial training assessment email   Gail    or visit our website

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It would be remiss not to mention the enormous need that faces people in the southern part of the United States at this time. Please, if you have not already made a donation for victims of hurricane Katrina, take time today to do so.